Twilight The Musical Panda Version
by XxArixX
Summary: This is like, an epic crack fic. With some slashy-ness, Bella bashing, and sparkly vampires!
1. Chapter 1

This is how Twilight should _TOTALLY _GO!!!!

(not to be taken seriously, this is a _total _crack fic...)

I OWN _NOTHING_!!!!

* * *

One day, in the small, sad little town of Forks, Isabella Swan, a young Mary-sue character had just moved in from Arizona with her crazy mom to live with her boring, _mustachioed _dad, chief of police Charlie Swan.

In school, she happened across a sexy thing named Edward Cullen with his clan of equally sexy brothers and sisters, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice.

Alice was short and tiny and bounced all over the place with this dude who looked kind of like he was constipated, named Jasper.

Rosalie was a tall blond bitch who thought she was the bomb and her boyfriend was Emmett who looked like he just ate the football team.

"Oh, don't bother with him, he's too good for anyone!" Bella's friend Jessica said. Bella just nodded back and went back to eating/staring at the epically sexy people. At the same time Mike was staring at Bella and Jessica was staring at Mike and Angela was staring at that other Asian dude and he was staring at her and they were basically having sex with their eyes.

Soon after, Bella spoke to Edward in Science, and together they won the Golden Onion of Epic _Awesomeness_. Then Bella almost got crushed by a van and Edward was like "_NOES_, BELLA!" And saved her with his super-human speed. Which he later claimed was _adrenaline_. (_Nice _cover dude.)

Before that, Bella met her old friend Jacob, who was secretly a werewolf (though know ones knows yet...) and he was all like "YO, BELLA!!!" And she was all like "HEY DUDE!" And they became best buddies.

Anyway, so after Edward saved Bella with adrenaline (because he isn't _REALLY _a Vampire, he just likes to pretend...) Bella almost got gang-raped because she's just a magnet for trouble like that. So Edward comes and he's all like "Get in the car while I deal with these bitches" and then they go out to dinner. And Edwards like "I can read _minds_!" and Bella's like "No Effing Way!" and shit.

MUCH _MUCH _LATER after Bella nearly get's killed and turned and killed some more and shit like that and everything settles down, Bella goes to Edward.

She trips before she reaches him and falls onto the road, then gets run over by an 18-wheeler. She is then taken to the hospital, where she somehow survives her horrible broken bones and injuries to see Jacob and Edward in her room.

"Oh _Edward_, I love you so much!" she cries. Edward momentarily gags before patting her head and nodding.

So years later Bella goes to Edward again, and not near a road, and smiles. "Edward, Will you marry me? I want to be with you forever and ever and I want you to take my virginity and impregnate me so I can have a kid and give it some crack-ass name that's a combination of Esme and Renee and then you can turn me and we can live happily ever _after_!"

And Edward thinks.

And he thinks.

And he _thinks_.

When he finally replies, its been a good five hours. He looks at Bella and puts his hands on her shoulders.

"Bella, I will _always _love you. But you must know something...." he begins. Bella jumps up and down hyper-ly while smiling.

"I'm actually gay for your BFF Jacob and I hate you and I would _never _want a child with you. And now if you'll _excuse _me," he stand up with his hands on his hips, "I'm going to go have hot _man _sex with my bitch." Edward grabs Jacobs hand and leads him out of the room.

Bella sits in the bed with her 'what-the-_fuck_-just-happened' face.

* * *

And so, in the end, Edward and Jacob have hundreds of little blood-sucking puppies (because they _NEVER DIE_) and Bella marries Mike and has no children because Mike says she sucks in bed and Mike has a girl on the side (and is secretly going for _Divorce_), and Jessica is a maid for a millionaire named Robert Pattenson (who looks _suspiciously _like that Edward Cullen guy...) and Angela and that Asian guy have lots of little Asian children.

* * *

THE MUSiCAL PANdA: DAMN _STRAIGHT_! THAT'S HOW IT'S _DONE _BITCHES!!!!

Any OC that happens to be in the vicinity of this story: -.- The _fuck_....


	2. tWENTY tWO tHINGS fROM tWILIGHT

Why, you ask?

Because I _fucking_ can. _That_ would be why.

As you all know, Twilight is _NOT_ my favorite movie/book/series, however, making fun of it is hilarious, and I love the occasional hate mail, they give me such good ideas!

So, to further piss off the Twilight-loving populations, I felt like making this. Have fun all fellow Twilight-Haters!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the complaints...

_**

* * *

List Of The Most Fucked Up Things In Twilight**_

Number One: The 'vampires' have no fangs. The _hell_ kind of Vampire doesn't have fangs? How else do they drink blood? They need sharp teeth damn it.

Number Two: They. _Sparkle_. Again, the _hell_ kind of Vampire sparkles? Edward Cullen. Why? Because he's not a _Vampire_, damn it.

Number Three: Yellow eyes? _Really_? That's not scary! It just looks like he has cat contacts!

Number Four: Dude, _I'm_ whiter than they are. They live in a place with no sun, make them whiter damn it!

Number Five: shouldn't they talk in like, an old time English type speech? They're like one-hundred years old.

Number Six: THE NEW MOVIE, THE 100-YEAR OLD VIRGIN! Seriously, after, what, 120 years, the bitch is _STILL_ a VIRGIN? Damn. Maybe thats his _whole_ problem- he just _really_ needs to be _laid_.

Number Seven: They crack. They don't bleed. They crack. Vampires Don't Fucking Crack. Let me tell you something, Stephanie Meyers was _ON_ crack when she wrote this.

Number Eight: Classical Music? _Really_? Hell, if I was older than my great grandmother, I wouldn't listen to classical! Hell, my great grandmother doesn't listen to classical either!

Number Nine: I bet they have thousands of dollars. Why in the _hell_ don't they have a mansion?

Number Nine: A Volvo? Really? You have a shit load of money. Get a fucking Mazarati. Or at least a _Porsche_.

Number Ten: Shouldn't shape-shifters shift into more than one animal? And if they don't, shouldn't said animal be _NORMAL_ sized? They look like wolves on steroids and miracle grow.

Number Eleven: I don't remember reading anything about tattoos in the book, so movie director, what the hell?

Number Twelve: I _swear_, the first time I watched New Moon, I thought Jacob was gonna turn green and rip off his shirt.

Number Thirteen: Bella is insane.

Number Fourteen: WHY in the hell would you pick a Vampire wannabe over a big, fluffy dog?

Number Fifteen: Why would you want to _BE_ a Vampire wannabe?

Number Sixteen: Further more, why would you want to have sex with a guy that sparkles? Like, seriously.

Number Seventeen: _FHBRHVUE THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS RENESMEE? SERIOUSLY? _

Number Eighteen: Bella's too emo. Seriously, all during the middle (you know, the part that goes through the months?) part of the second book, and movie, I was waiting for her to pull out a razor while screaming "MY LIFE IS OVER" Give the girl some fucking _Prozac_.

Number Nineteen: They need to make a new club. Not the Bella/Edward one, and not the Jacob/Bella one. No, they need to make a 'screw Bella, I wanna see some Edward/Jacob' club. _Seriously_. The movie would be SO MUCH _BETTER_. Think of all the slash fan-girls!

Number Twenty: The hell is imprinting? That's like... arranged marriage!

Number Twenty-One: And Jacob's a pedophile. Seriously.

Number Twenty-Two: I want a Volvo... EDWARDS NOT COOL ENOUGH FOR A VOLVO.

* * *

Well, bring on the reviews. I know you want to post them. Be them happy reviews, or pissed off ones.

For the record, I said seriously seven times.


End file.
